Okay first I’d like to say that I love being able to post to tumblr directly from my phone. It really helps since I have a (flexible) rule to shut my lap top down every night around 10 pm so that I can wind down.
Second, I have decided that in 6 months time I may or may not move out West.
Yes. I’ve always wanted to live near the mountains. Brown ones, not white ones (already done that).
As I approach my 5 year anniversary of living in New York, I have realized that this place and these people are not right for me. I can’t get into it about the people other than admitting that they really are what you’d think: cynical, pessimistic, selfish, etc.
But this place and these times… it’s all money, power and technology driven, and absolutely none of those things are me.
Computers, kindles, iPads, fancy cell phones, expensive name brands, high-rise apartments and the empty dating scene. None of it is me.
I want to get back to tradition and be surrounded by the basics. Fine art, drawing, history, photography, reading (an actual book) are all me. I miss those things, and New York clouds them from me.
On the day I moved here I imagined only staying here a few years or forever. Now I’m almost at 5 and I’m like, wtf?
I want normal again. And New York is crazy.
“ I ring the bell, thinking how I love the way I can walk to my friends’ apartments and how my life has this frenetic, unstructured pace where I never know exactly what’s going to happen.
— young Carrie Bradshaw in Candace Bushnell’s Summer and the City
“ I wonder if living in New York makes people crazy, or if they’re crazy to begin with and New York attracts them like flies.
— young Carrie Bradshaw in Candace Bushnell’s Summer and the City
I’m not sure what I want more in life: mystery or answers.
How many great loves does it take?
(or in my case, great lusts)
“The snow falls, each flake in its appropriate place.” — Zen snowflake principle
Have not been myself lately, where did I go?
Today, as I address a birthday card for for a friend who is turning 98 tomorrow, I am thinking of someone special on what would have been their 32nd birthday.
It only recently passed, but I can’t stop thinking about this day and how I spent it last year and this year.
Every year on December 25th and 26th, I will go to bed and think about someone special who I lost and who I will never get back. Some things are irreversible. And I will always need someone to call that night to comfort and protect me as I drift off to sleep.
I think about this person everyday and it keeps me grounded in a world full of stress, greed and worry.
It isn’t until you lose something that you realize how lucky you were to have it.
Of course.
I understand now that we are all designed to care for then hurt one another. And put our careers, preferences and own interests first.
But when you die and your whole life flashes before your eyes, what will you see, other than your iPhone and the internet?
“ Come and take a walk on the wild side
Let me kiss you hard in the pouring rain
You like your girls insane
Choose your last words,
This is the last time
— “Born to Die”, Lana Del Rey
